If you've got an anxious attachment style you know what it means to feel out of control of your thoughts and obsessive in relationships. This doesn't mean you have to be like this forever though. You can work through past trauma to help heal your attachment style and the law of detachment can help. We'll explain why and how to practice.
What are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are deeply rooted in our early experiences with primary caregivers, usually our parents. The way our parents or primary caregivers respond to our needs and emotions forms the basis of our attachment styles, which carry forward into our adult relationships.
1. Secure Attachment
Origins: This style usually develops in children who have received consistent love and care. Their caregivers responded to their needs in a reliable manner, fostering a sense of security.
Characteristics:
- High self-esteem and positive view of others.
- Comfortable with emotional closeness.
- Can depend on others and be depended upon.
- Expresses feelings and needs directly and openly.
- Trusts that partners will be there when needed.
Implications for adult relationships:
- Tend to have long-lasting, satisfying relationships.
- Capable of setting healthy boundaries.
- Can navigate ups and downs in relationships with resilience.
2. Avoidant Attachment (or Dismissive)
Origins: Avoidant attachment typically emerges from a childhood where emotional needs were regularly not met, and the child learned to rely on themselves.
Characteristics:
- High level of self-sufficiency and independence.
- Uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy.
- Finds it hard to trust and depend on partners.
- Suppresses and denies feelings.
- Avoids emotional closeness, often using work or hobbies as distractions.
Implications for adult relationships:
- May struggle to commit long-term.
- Often avoids discussing deep feelings or concerns.
- Can appear aloof or indifferent to partner's needs.
- Might end relationships prematurely when they feel they are getting "too close."
3. Fearful-Avoidant (or Disorganized)
Origins: Fearful-Avoidant attachment often results from traumatic childhood experiences, including abuse or loss. The child learned that caregivers could be sources of pain as well as comfort.
Characteristics:
- Inner conflict between seeking intimacy and avoiding it.
- Fear of getting too close or being too distant.
- Struggles with trusting partners.
- High levels of emotional turbulence.
- Can be unpredictable in relationships.
Implications for adult relationships:
- Torn between wanting closeness and fearing it.
- Might experience frequent relationship breakups.
- Often feels overwhelmed by their emotions.
- Needs reassurance but struggles to accept or trust it.
In conclusion, understanding one's attachment style is a critical aspect of fostering healthy relationships. With self-awareness and potentially therapeutic interventions, individuals can work towards a more secure attachment style, promoting better interpersonal relationships.
4. Anxious Attachment (or Preoccupied)
Origins: Developed from inconsistent caregiving. At times, the child's needs were met, but at other times, they were ignored or dismissed. This inconsistency led to confusion and anxiety.
Characteristics:
- Preoccupied with relationships.
- Feels incomplete without a relationship.
- Seeks high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from partners.
- Often perceived as "clingy" or "needy."
- Worries about partner's commitment and love.
Implications for adult relationships:
- Often anxious about the relationship's status.
- May require constant reassurance.
- Possibility of experiencing jealousy more frequently.
- May act out to get attention or reassurance.
How Did I Develop Anxious Attachment Style?
1. Inconsistent Caregiving
- Childhood Roots: A child needs consistency to develop a secure understanding of the world. When caregivers are unpredictable in their attention and affection, the child becomes unsure about what behaviors will elicit a positive response. This inconsistency can manifest as alternating between over-attentiveness and neglect.
- Adult Reinforcement: In adult relationships, if a partner alternates between being affectionate and distant without clear reasons, it can mirror the inconsistency experienced in childhood. Such relationships can re-trigger anxious feelings and reinforce the need for constant reassurance.
2. Over-involved Parenting
- Childhood Roots: Over-involved or "helicopter" parenting can smother a child's natural development of independence. Instead of being given space to explore and learn on their own, these children might feel that they constantly need their parent's approval or guidance.
- Adult Reinforcement: In adult relationships, a partner who is overly controlling or constantly checks in can reignite those childhood feelings. Conversely, someone with this background might seek partners who are overly involved or become overly involved themselves, associating such behavior with love.
3. Emotional Neglect
- Childhood Roots: Children who feel unseen or unheard unless they "act out" learn to associate heightened emotions or dramatic behaviors with receiving attention. They might believe that they need to escalate situations to be noticed or cared for.
- Adult Reinforcement: If an adult relationship involves a partner who is dismissive or neglectful unless confronted with drama, the pattern from childhood is perpetuated. The person might feel the need to create drama to ensure they remain significant in their partner's eyes.
4. Trauma or Loss
- Childhood Roots: Experiencing trauma, such as abuse or the loss of a primary caregiver, can deeply embed feelings of insecurity. The child might constantly fear another traumatic event or loss, leading to anxiety about relationships and their stability.
- Adult Reinforcement: In adult relationships, any sign of conflict or distance might be perceived as a precursor to another traumatic loss or betrayal. If an adult relationship ends traumatically, it can compound the fears originating from childhood trauma.
5. Unresolved Past Relationships
- Adult Origin: Even if one did not develop an anxious attachment style in childhood, adult relationships that were particularly tumultuous, betraying, or ended traumatically can contribute to the development of anxious attachment tendencies. For instance, if someone was in a relationship with a partner who cheated, they might develop anxieties about future partners being unfaithful, even if they were secure before the event.
- Reinforcement: Every time they enter a new relationship, past betrayals might haunt them, leading to constant anxieties about their partner's fidelity, honesty, or commitment.
In conclusion, while childhood is a crucial period for the formation of attachment styles, adult relationships also play a significant role, especially if they mirror or amplify the patterns established in early life. Recognizing these patterns and seeking therapeutic guidance can be immensely helpful in developing healthier attachment behaviors.
How the Law of Detachment Can Help Anxious Attachment Style
1. Creates Emotional Space
- Emotional space allows for perspective. It's like stepping back from a painting to see the entire picture. By detaching, individuals can see situations more clearly without being overwhelmed by their emotions. This space is vital for those with anxious attachment as they often feel engulfed by their emotions and fears.
2. Promotes Self-Reliance
- Over-reliance on others for emotional fulfillment can be draining and often reinforces anxious behaviors. Detachment emphasizes the importance of finding happiness and contentment within oneself. Over time, this internal emotional resilience can reduce the fear of abandonment or rejection.
3. Reduces Overthinking
- Detailed Explanation: Constant rumination and over-analysis can be emotionally exhausting, amplifying anxieties. By practicing detachment, individuals can learn to take things at face value, breaking the cycle of overthinking and the anxieties that come with it.
4. Encourages Present Moment Living
- Detailed Explanation: Being anchored in the present breaks the cycle of dwelling on past hurts or future uncertainties, common issues for those with anxious attachment. Detachment helps individuals appreciate the current moment, making them less likely to project past traumas onto present situations.
5. Allows for Objective Assessment
- Detachment fosters a clearer, more objective view of situations. Instead of being clouded by emotions, individuals can assess their relationships and situations more rationally, helping them make decisions that are in their best interest.
6. Enhances Self-Esteem
- Relying less on external validation and more on internal self-worth leads to a healthier self-image. Detachment from constant external validation shifts the focus inward, allowing individuals to develop genuine self-esteem, not tied to the whims of others.
7. Teaches that Letting Go Can Be Beneficial
- Holding onto things, whether they're past traumas, toxic relationships, or unmet expectations, can be a major source of anxiety. By understanding the power of letting go, individuals can free themselves from unnecessary burdens and find greater peace.
8. Lessens Fear of Abandonment
- An inherent fear of being left or rejected can be crippling for those with anxious attachment. Detachment teaches the ability to be complete on one's own, which inherently lessens the fear of abandonment. When individuals know they can thrive alone, the fear of being left becomes less daunting.
9. Provides Emotional Balance
- Emotional highs and lows can be taxing. Detachment helps individuals maintain a more even emotional keel, preventing extreme fluctuations based on external factors. This balance can lead to a more stable, peaceful existence, even in the face of challenges.
10. Strengthens Other Relationships
- As individuals reduce the anxiety in one relationship, they can approach other relationships with a fresher, more balanced perspective. By not carrying the weight of anxieties from one relationship to another, they create room for healthier, more fulfilling interactions.
In essence, the Law of Detachment is about finding internal balance, independence, and clarity. For someone with an anxious attachment style, mastering detachment can lead to profound personal growth and healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
How to Heal an Anxious Attachment Style
If you're struggling with the pains and anxieties associated with an anxious attachment style, our journal How to Heal an Anxious Attachment Style prompts collection offers a guiding light on the path to emotional well-being.
Based on the principles of the law of detachment and shadow work, this journal is crafted with immense care and understanding of the unique struggles you may face, such as fear of abandonment, obsessive thoughts, and a constant need for validation.
Within its pages, you'll find a nurturing environment to explore your emotions, understand the root causes of your anxiety, and develop healthy coping strategies. Beyond mere reflection, the journal actively guides you in practices of mindfulness, detachment, and even harnessing the law of attraction to manifest the life you desire.
Tailored specifically for those ready to break free from anxiety's grip, this collection serves as a loyal companion on your healing journey, empowering you with the tools to rebuild resilience and self-assurance. Together, we can embark on this transformative journey towards liberation and true self-fulfillment. Let's do this together!
Final Thoughts
While the law of detachment can be profoundly beneficial for those with an anxious attachment style, it's essential to understand that detachment doesn't mean avoiding emotions or relationships.
It's about finding a balance and not letting external factors solely determine one's emotional state. For someone with an anxious attachment style, this may be a journey, and seeking professional guidance can be invaluable.
