Why Avoidants Keep Their Ex as an Option

Is your ex still lingering in your life, their presence a constant notification away? Ever wondered why some people can't seem to cut the cord completely? If you're grappling with an avoidant ex who's refusing to exit stage left, this article will unravel the 'why' behind their actions.

You've probably heard about different attachment styles—how they shape our relationships and influence our emotional patterns. Avoidant attachment is a fascinating player in this game, often leaving people puzzled post-breakup.

Do avoidants actually get over their ex? How do they treat them after parting ways? Is friendship with an ex even on the table for them? Buckle up, because we're about to dissect the intricate dance between avoidants and their exes.

_{Understanding Avoidant Attachment Style}

When we talk about attachment styles, the conversation usually revolves around four main types: secure, anxious, disorganized, and avoidant. While the secure folks are generally well-balanced in their relationships and the anxious ones are often seeking more reassurance and closeness, the disorganized types display a confusing mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies. Then, there are the avoidants—quite the enigma in the landscape of love and emotional connection.

So, what sets avoidants apart? To begin with, they have an inherent knack for emotional distancing. This isn't a mere preference; it's a coping mechanism. By keeping emotional depth at bay, they reduce the risk of experiencing rejection or intense emotional upheaval.

Then there's the fierce love for independence. An avoidant person often sees relationships as a threat to their freedom, leading to a sense of suffocation if things get 'too close for comfort.' This isn't to say they don't value relationships; they just put a high price on their own space and autonomy.

One of the most complex traits of avoidant individuals is their ability to suppress their vulnerabilities. Unlike the anxious types, who wear their emotions on their sleeves, avoidants are masters of disguise when it comes to their inner world. They might come off as self-reliant and in control, but beneath that façade, there's a realm of suppressed feelings and unacknowledged needs.

When all these traits come into play, especially during a breakup, you're looking at a complex web of emotional maneuvers that can baffle even the most self-aware among us. This emotional intricacy sets the stage for the other layers of avoidant behavior we're about to explore, especially in the context of post-breakup relationships.

_{Do Avoidants Get Over Their Ex?}

If you've been in a relationship with an avoidant, you might've noticed how quickly they seem to move on post-breakup. They're back on dating apps, possibly dating new people, and seemingly diving head-first into hobbies or work. On the surface, it looks like they're doing just fine. But is that the real story?

Avoidants are masters of emotional compartmentalization. Their quick-to-move-on demeanor is often a byproduct of this skill. By neatly placing the 'ex' in a box, they can jump into other aspects of life as though nothing's changed. But this shouldn't be mistaken for genuine emotional detachment. In reality, avoidants are emotionally reserved, not emotionless.

Another facet to consider is their tendency to suppress emotions, as mentioned in the previous section. An avoidant might not even fully confront how they feel about the breakup, choosing instead to push those feelings aside. This can give the impression of them having moved on, when, in fact, they may have just moved the emotional baggage to a less visible part of their mind.

Last but not least, avoidants often have backup emotional plans. Keeping exes around serves as one such plan, offering a safety net that cushions their emotional world. So even if it seems like they're totally over you, there's a good chance you're still serving a specific role in their life, often without even realizing it.

^{How Do Avoidants Treat Their Exes?}

Navigating a relationship with an avoidant can feel like walking through a labyrinth. The maze-like intricacies often extend beyond the relationship and well into the post-breakup phase. If you've found yourself puzzled by your avoidant ex's behaviors, you're certainly not alone.

Here are some common ways avoidants might treat their exes:

1. Inconsistent Communication: One day they're distant, the next they're sending casual texts. This calculated inconsistency keeps you at a safe distance while ensuring you remain an option.
2. Digital Presence: Likes, comments, and shares might continue post-breakup. Being digitally connected offers them emotional options without the burden of real intimacy.
3. Friendship Offers: Suddenly, they want to be 'just friends' or insist on hanging out in the same social circles. This allows them to maintain a facade of normalcy and keep you within their emotional safety net.
4. Emotional Hot and Cold: There will be times when they seem to open up, only to retreat into their shell again. This push-pull is a hallmark of avoidant attachment, designed to keep emotional vulnerability at bay.
5. Subtle Reminders: Whether it's keeping some of your belongings or occasionally bringing up old memories, these subtle actions serve as a reminder that you're still on their mind, even if they won't admit it.

In essence, dealing with an avoidant ex is like navigating a complex emotional architecture built to serve their needs first. They engage in various behaviors to ensure their emotional space is protected, while also keeping enough lines open to retain you as an option. It's a delicate balancing act that can leave anyone perplexed.

_{Why Avoidants Keep Their Exes as an Option}

At this point, you might be wondering why avoidants have this peculiar tendency to keep their exes dangling like a set of spare keys. It's both intriguing and unsettling to be placed in this 'emotional purgatory,' isn't it? To demystify this perplexing behavior, here's a comprehensive list of reasons why avoidants keep their exes around as an option:

1. Control Over Narrative: They want to control how the relationship story unfolds, even if it's over.
2. Fear of Emotional Investment: It's easier to recycle old feelings than invest in someone new.
3. Indecision: The fear of making the 'wrong' choice leads them to not fully commit to the breakup.
4. Maintaining Emotional Distance: Keeping exes around allows them to experience emotional closeness without the fear of abandonment.
5. Validation: Interactions with exes can provide an ego boost.
6. Risk Mitigation: They view exes as a safe fallback option in case new relationships don’t pan out.
7. Avoiding Emotional Discomfort: Having you as an option helps them steer clear of feelings of loneliness or emotional emptiness.
8. Strategic Ignorance: They might intentionally overlook the emotional weight their actions hold for you.
9. Compartmentalization: Your past relationship is put in a box, separate from their current emotional state.
10. Emotional Complexity: Avoidants often grapple with conflicting feelings post-breakup, and keeping you as an option helps them manage this inner turmoil.

By keeping you around as an option, avoidants engage in a form of emotional multi-tasking that serves multiple purposes—control, validation, and risk mitigation, among others. But remember, you're not a pawn in anyone's emotional chess game.

_{Final Thoughts}

As you navigate the maze of avoidant attachment, it's essential to remember that you're not just a bystander in someone else's emotional landscape. Understanding why avoidants act the way they do—keeping exes as options, idealizing past relationships, and oscillating between emotional extremes—can empower you to make informed choices.

Awareness is your first step toward healthier relationships and emotional well-being, a journey that our specialized self-therapy journal How to Heal an Avoidant Attachment Style can help, offering you the tools to delve deeper into your patterns and pave the way for emotional growth.